Tuesday, March 29, 2011

LITERATURE: Counting

One soap, two soaps, three soaps, four;
I found a soap on the step of my door.

Five soaps, six soaps, seven soaps, eight;
I don't eat a meal without a soap on my plate.

Nine soaps, ten soaps, eleven soaps, twelve;
I store all the soaps that I find on the shelve.

Thirteen soaps, fourteen soaps, fifteen soaps, sixteen;
Those numbers have too many syllables, and that's way too much soap (1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 + 9 + 10 + 11 + 12 + 13 + 14 + 15 + 16 = 136 soaps!)!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Written on the Floor at Three in the Morning

You want to sleep but you can't. You want to throw up but you can't.


You need to know things work they way you thought they did. You need to see something familiar.


But you have been wounded. Destroyed. You need to let it out; satisfy and transcend it, but there's no one you can destroy without repercussions and nothing you can destroy that you can easily replace. You can't wound any of your own things because you need them and can't afford to. So you wound yourself because you know you'll heal.


Blood slowly creates a disruption of cleanliness, sanity, color, perfection; surely flows regardless of pretense.


Crumpled in garbage and forgotten things, you watch as it dries on the floor, dries on your skin.


How can anything possibly matter?


Next week's article on cow noses!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

REVIEW: Rebecca Black

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk

Listen to the audio review here.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

REVUE: A Universe of Bizarre Complexities, Part 1...

A Universe of Bizarre Complexities:
A Science Fiction Opera by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk and Isabel Catherine Gattis-Van Dyk, Md.

Part 1

Returning home from a long voyage, the ship finds its way into the docks. They welcome it. Caress it. Feed the ship as it slowly shifts from one location in deep space to the center of a cool bay. The ship uttered a cool air of assonance. Between docks, the ship melts inward into an astral sea, and subsequently shifts back onto fueling docks. The hoses feed into it from every direction, fuel streaking inward in a rainbow array.

A passage extends from the landing dock. A hand reaches out. A man in a white cloak, with bright red boots and bright red gloves, grips the hand.
"My name is Azorsechles!" said the man in white.
A voice from the other side answered:
"Why have you come to this planet?"
"I have come here bearing many riches," said the man, "carpets from the bazhaars on Minas Trillith, the spectacles of the great Beholder at the temple of Aggrillicles, and more!"
"Is that so?", said the sun trader, as he fanned out his own collection of wares to the interstellar salesman.
"Surely you have nothing of equal worth," prodded Azorsechles, "for I am not interested in designs so utterly... planetary."
"That is assuming that the goods you bring hold any meaning to anyone but yourself," responded the port trader to the subtle query, "for I have never heard of this temple of Aggrillicles."
"Perhaps I should find another planet. You don't seem to be receptive to such treasures. An unsophistocated bunch, I presume?"
"Simply searching for a smaller price. What you call riches I see as trinkets. It may be best if you return to the space from which you came, Azorsechles."
"And I shall do so."

Another trader has seen through my lies, thought the white caped man as he lounged in the ship. An illusion of wealth. A small debris-collector, masked as an elaborate palace. He was not nearly as well off as he once was. The planetary traders seemed to have become savvy to his ways. Lies had become commonplace in this galaxy. Perhaps it was time he moved to a new one. Perhaps it was time that he moved to a galaxy without lies, where he could twist his words upon ignorant ears. They would cherish his product. His old rug. His broken glasses.
Yes, it had been a long time since he had seen new space. He would need a new ship. One that could navigate the darkest reaches of hyperspace, and cut through the great solar waves. This ship would have to be a masterpiece. He might have to pull off one more lie to acquire it. Where would he find such a ship? He knew of a place. A place he remembered from long ago. From before he was a peddler of lies.
That would be where he would go. The starfleet factories on Earth. A human planet. A planet on which he had many friends. Many disgruntled friends.

To be continued...

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Why You're Doing it Wrong and How to Do it Right

You're an idiot. There's no question about that.

Another idiot

Lets face it: Your life is in shambles and your life's dreams run and hide from your ugliness. It wasn't always like this though. You used to have a large castle, an army of beautiful maidens, and an enormous city-state populated entirely with super-intelligent horses. What happened to the good ol' days? Why did everything fall apart? There's actually a simple answer here: You're doing it wrong. Below, I will dissect the problem, then ressurect some answers.


What You Think This Is

Survey says your life was guided up to a certain point. Everything was done for you and you were conditioned to obey, respect authority, and stay in school. Once twelve years of indoctrinization were up you did what you were told and went back to school (cleverly disguised as 'college') for 2 - 16 more years.

When you graduated they called you "Patriarch Johnson / Smith" and you recieved a cool hat that your cat might like to wear and play with simultaneously. Now you could finally become the Most Respectable Entertainment Engineer like you've always dreamed, manufacturing the bounciest rubber balls and cubes that would captivate the world, and everyone would call you "Good ol' Ptr. Johnson / Smith."

EXCEPT THAT LAST PART NEVER HAPPENED. Why?

I'll bet you can guess who the real Patriarch Johnson is



Patriarch Smith


What This Really Is

To everyone else, you are literally some random guy. They don't look at you so try not to look at them. To yourself, you seem to be alive on some planet where suddenly some very specific things are possible. Also, there are a lot of other people that will bother you.

Like her

You will be pushed around. You will be cut. You might even lose an entire layer of skin. This will not be easy. Your clothes will get wet, your blood will stain the carpet, and your baby will be stolen.

It might look like this


WHAT TO DO
  • Take a nice sharp pencil and write neatly on a fresh piece of paper. Don't mess up though.
  • Watch someone type something on a blank document. Make sure they don't mess up though; you won't want to see that.
  • Take a bite out of the top of a mushroom.
  • Put two or three (three is better) shrimp together and bite them in half.
  • Win Tic-Tac-Toe (Only play as O though).
  • Drink ice cold water (without ice) after coming in from a hot day.
  • Drink fresh soda with lots of ice (preferrably small cubes) from a styrofoam cup.
  • Disturb Patriarch Smith
It's funny


Serious business

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

REVIEW: Time

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk
Stephen Hawking

A Lengthy Review of Time

Time is long.
Very long.
It extends in both directions: backwards and forwards.
So far we've only learned how to travel through time forwards at a set rate, though you can trick yourself into thinking you've traveled to a different time by placing a box on your head for the interval of time that you want to travel through.

Some people think that time extends infinitely in both directions. Some people think time had a beginning, and will have an end. Some people think time and space are one in the same. Some people think god made time. Some people think that time only exists because we are perceiving it.

Stephen Hawking

When Did Time Start?

Personally, I think time started with the invention of the clock.
Before there was such thing as a clock, no one was ever able to tell what time it was, so there was no way to be aware of a passing of time. If we don't think about the fact that time is passing, then it is impossible to even formulate the concept of time.

Why Time?

Why, you might ask, would anyone invent a clock if time had not yet been formulated as a concept?

The answer is that it was very confusing for people to keep track of their arrangements by the exact position of the sun, and often hurt their eyes by staring at it while trying to figure out its position in relation to the earth. To solve this, an inventor made up the clock. This was brilliant, because now people could see where the sun was on a device instead of hurting their eyes by staring at it.

Stephen Hawking

And that's why today, we have time.

Time Travel?

You might be wondering: can we go back in time by turning a clock backwards?
The answer is: maybe.
We just don't know. No one has tried it yet.

Barack Obama


Sources:

P.S. If you would like to request my next topic, shoot a piece of electronic mail to murdercorpsethrash@gmail.com

Friday, March 4, 2011

REVIEW: Animals

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk
A Precious Baby Fox With A Doe

It's no secret that I dislike animals.
That being said, I have decided to set my emotions aside and write an unbiased review on the topic.

Animals have many pros and cons. To clarify, I will list them.

The Pros of Animals
  1. Animals are very versatile.
    They come in all different shapes and colors; all different sizes and genders. Some animals have feathers; some animals have scales; and some lucky animals even have skin. Skin. Like humans.
  2. You can eat them.
    In my opinion, the best kind of animals are the kind that you can eat without developing an emotional attachment to them. e.g. fish meat, cow meat, chicken meat, pig meat, bear meat, snake meat, shark meat, crustacean meat, etc.
  3. You can train them to fight each other.
    Many animals are naturally vicious killing machines.
    For example: dogs.
    They love the smell of fresh blood, and would do anything to rend themselves a nice slab of cannibalistic meat from one of their animal 'friends'.
    Have you ever seen a golden retriever take down a pit bull in one fell swoop? Neither have I, and that's why I train golden retrievers.
    Also, animals can only learn 4 moves, so make sure you teach them the best moves you possibly can.
  4. You can collect them.
    There are only 150 different animal species (151 if you count adaptive screenplays) in the animal kingdom. Some esteemed professors believe that if you can collect all of the animals that exist, then you will be a master of animals.
It Is No Secret That The Tiger Is Man's Best Friend

The Cons of Animals
  1. Animals are dirty. Almost all animals practice some form of defecation. Defecation is disgusting. Unlike humans, who defecate in toilets, animals tend to defecate right on the ground. Gross. Also, sometimes they pee on the floor without the permission of their human masters. In this dire situation, it may be necessary to scold them, and take away some of their simple comforts, such as the ability to go outside, or the ability to eat.
  2. Animals can rebel against their human masters.
    Have you ever seen the movie Animal Farm?
    Well if not, then you should. It documents the uprising of many farm animals against their cruel owner, and how they live happily ever after, forever.
    If this happened in the United States today, it would cripple the world economy, and lead to massive and widespread chaos.
  3. Animals are unpredictable.
    How many legs does the average animal have?
    The answer is 5.
    With such a large variety of different creatures on the planet, we don't have a set template that we can refer to when we want to predict the appearance or actions of the next random animal we encounter. This means that we have to read books to learn about them, which is a long and complicated process.
A Misbehaving Animal

Animal Prisons

When animals commit crimes, they go to animal jail. It is a horrible place, and you never want to go there.

Final Rating

On a scale of 1 to 10, animals get a surprisingly high 3.781.

Sources:

P.S. If you would like to request a topic for me to review, please send your query to murdercorpsethrash@gmail.com

REVIEW: Imagination

Imagine you're in a large grassy field alone on a beautiful sunny cloudless day of reckoning. You wish there were some clouds to give you a sense of space and when you should eat lunch. But the clouds have long since fled. They are gone and won't return your calls anymore.

Distractingly, you notice a sandwich on your left. You can't tell what's inside so you reflexively take a bite out of your thumb. You don't remember which thumb it was. Please hang up and try again.

REVIEW: Intelligent Design

"Don't die. Don't die."
- Minnesota

Your mom probably believes in God. And so do I.

REVIEW: The Book Review

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk
A Diagram of Small Books
Books.



Books.



Books.



How many books have we read in our collective lifetimes?
100?
500?
Maybe even 1000, or 2000.

Books are an essential part of being a human being. We can learn things from books. Books can entertain us. Books can even make us feel better when we're feeling down.
But this makes us wonder, are books sentient?
The simple answer: yes.
But there's more to it than just yes.

Reading a book in the cold can be a spine chilling experience.
Inversely, reading a book in nature can make you feel like you're right at home.

Typically a book features many pages, which are numbered consecutively, and features informative or entertaining sequences of words that cover many topics, including but not limited to:
Dragons and Dragon Riding
Government
Charles Darwin
The Magician's Alliance, and the rules and regulations involved with retaining a membership to aforementioned alliance
The Game of Chess
Laser Weaponry
Spaceships

Books, if covered with sugar, usually make great homes for small or large colonies of bacteria.
Also, you can lick the sugar off of the book for a pleasant and sweet surprise. Books love being touched, and they give off a sour aroma when wet.
Approach books with caution when you have an intention towards licking them, because you might get sick.

Books don't have periods, so they don't need to use feminine products. If you are a female, you can learn how to use feminine products if you use a certain type of book, called a manual.

A manual is an interesting type of book because it usually comes with the product that, regarding the product, it is informative. About.

That's pretty much all you need to know about books.
I once wrote a book.
You can purchase it on www.westborobaptistchurch.com
It's called the bible.

REVIEW: Bruce Lee

"America? What's that?"
- Bruce Lee

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

REVIEW: Romance

Recent* studies** have shown that Jarrel Hi-Fi***'s latest radio hit, "When You Look Me in the Eye (Every Time I Close My Eyes)", is the most romantic song since "You, and Me, Tonight, In the Water" by Forever Kennedy. When we asked Jarrel exactly what inspired him to create such a masterpiece, he layed out a rather nostalgic story involving an incident with his wife.

"I can't even begin to tell you how devastated I was when I heard what happened, so I'll just cut to the bush." He said.

Then he proceeded to tell us about how he arrived at the hospital just in time to see the surgeons slicing through his wife's eyelids. It turns out she had had had an accident at the dentist leaving her eyes sealed shut. Jarrel began to protest the extreme medical measures but knew it was meant to be when the scalpel revealed Mrs. Hi-Fi's loving gaze penetrating through her bleeding severed eyelids. She would be ok, needing only to refresh her eyeballs with three splashes of luke warm water every couple of seconds for as long as she wanted to use them. The operation was promptly completed and the two lovers embraced thoroughly.

"I didn't even know what was going on until I realized what was going on," Hi-Fi revealed, "And then I looked my wife in the eye, and even though her eyes were closed . . . I could still see them, and they could still see me. It was really a reassuring experience."

That being said, don't touch that adress bar: next week's review will be on cat abrasions!


* Yesterday.

** Studies concieved and carried out solely by Michael Gall-Award (Author of "Feet" and "Eat").

*** Not actually his last name; this is his stage last name.


Special thanks goes to Richard Gallardo for solidifying my details.