REVIEW: RATS

Rats are adorable. When they reach a large enough size we call them cats. Cats have nipples.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy Legendary Golden Big Sword! I was unaware that rats and cats were of the same origin!" That's because technically cats are called catrats (say: kuh-trats) and you don't know how to use Google.

But in the name of Dexterity, I shall prove it to you. When observing both rats and catrats closely under a magnifying glass, you'll see that they are composed of:

• 3% Keratin
• 9% Fur
• 87% Rubber
• 1% Alcohol

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Stamina! The above percentages all contain unique digits!" This is true. Furthermore, if you add all the digits up and then subtract the number of digits being added, you get 23. Further still, this means you can get drunk if you eat enough cats (probably at least 23). Also, if you add up all the digits and then add the number of digits being added, you get 33, which is also a pretty cool number.

CATS AND SLEEP

Do not ever sleep with a cat. It will walk all over you while you are sleeping, stepping on various pressure points and your neck/face. After it's done trampling you, it will curl up in a ball on your balls, causing you to wake up with a severe case of numb-ball (this hurts a lot), perhaps in the middle of the night. (Unless you are female, in which case it may slide slightly into your vagina.)

And now for some Cat Fun Facts, or. . .

CUN FAX

• Cats do not understand the act of pointing. They will always look at your hand, which is hilarious. Test this and laugh! (Alternatively, declare: "Strength!")
• Cats spend 30% of their waking hours grooming themselves. That's almost as much time as your girlfriend spends!
• If you see your cat's legs twitching, that means it's dreaming of kicking the shit out of you for throwing your cum-sock on it.
• Intelligence.

A stylish new leash for your kitty

Picture a cow nose.

Go on, picture it.

That's funny, you can't picture a cow nose! Why? Because 20% of people haven't actually ever seen a cow or don't know what it is. It's also because another 70% of people rarely see real cows (the remaining 10% of people are cows).

You might have a general idea of what a cow nose looks like, but 90 percents say you don't know exactly what a cow nose looks like.

That's because it looks like this:

Now if you just said "That's exactly how I pictured it!" then I know for sure that you don't know what a cow nose looks like. Why? Because that is a picture of a dead turtle.  Poor turtle; he was handsome, with his mustache and all.

Take a minute of silence for him if you need to.

We loved him.  And he loved us!  Boy, did he love us.  He never failed to be there when we were down, and he never looked down on us when we failed our English classes because of those pointless essays.  As our backs got longer and his back got harder we would sit in the fields and reminisce about the days when we had shorter and softer backs (respectively).

As it turns out, his back was getting longer, too.  But a back just can't get longer and harder at the same time you know.  And that's why he died.

R.I.P.

Kirk Turtle

This is known as Harder-Longer Back Syndrome.  It has been devastating (even killing) most turtles and even one small Russian child (we have no idea why).

How do you avoid HLBS?  The easiest way, of course, is to not have a back. But assuming you're not a slug, bird, or ex-president, the first thing you're going to want to do is purchase the shiniest cape you can find.  Not only will this make you look stunning at any event, it will protect your feeble back, preventing it from being harmed, which will in turn prevent it from becoming any harder or longer (a further explanation of this can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dura_mater).

REVIEW: The Book Review

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk

A Diagram of Small Books

Books.

Books.

Books.

How many books have we read in our collective lifetimes?

100?

500?

Maybe even 1000, or 2000.

Books are an essential part of being a human being. We can learn things from books. Books can entertain us. Books can even make us feel better when we're feeling down.

But this makes us wonder, are books sentient?

The simple answer: yes.

But there's more to it than just yes.

Reading a book in the cold can be a spine chilling experience.

Inversely, reading a book in nature can make you feel like you're right at home.

Typically a book features many pages, which are numbered consecutively, and features informative or entertaining sequences of words that cover many topics, including but not limited to:

Dragons and Dragon Riding

Government

Charles Darwin

The Magician's Alliance, and the rules and regulations involved with retaining a membership to aforementioned alliance

The Game of Chess

Laser Weaponry

Spaceships

Books, if covered with sugar, usually make great homes for small or large colonies of bacteria.

Also, you can lick the sugar off of the book for a pleasant and sweet surprise. Books love being touched, and they give off a sour aroma when wet.

Approach books with caution when you have an intention towards licking them, because you might get sick.

Books don't have periods, so they don't need to use feminine products. If you are a female, you can learn how to use feminine products if you use a certain type of book, called a manual.

A manual is an interesting type of book because it usually comes with the product that, regarding the product, it is informative. About.

That's pretty much all you need to know about books.

I once wrote a book.

You can purchase it on www.westborobaptistchurch.com

It's called the bible.