Dear Internet,







Sincerely.

Interviews from the Vault

This is an excerpt from an exclusive interview with Dave Hammlin, a.k.a “Big Dave”, from the band Majycc, conducted by People’s Choice Rock Icons magazine. The interviewer is Steve Wetcomb. Circa 1990

Steve: Dave, before we begin, I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to be here interviewing one of the greatest rock legends of all time.

“Big Dave”: Thanks. Me too.

Steve: Now Dave, you are one of the founders of Majycc. What inspired you to form this band?

“Big Dave”: Well Steve, inspiration can come from many places. Sometimes it just falls out of the sky and hits you. I can’t tell you how, or when, or even why Majycc formed. It just happened. It was written in the stars.

Steve: I see. Now, what would you say your early influences were as a band?

“Big Dave”: well you know…Sorcery. Plants. Nature. The Universe. All kinds of Voodoo magic really. We came together and did some crazy stuff. Sometimes we would shoot of rockets and recite spells before going on stage.

Steve: What about musical influences?

“Big Dave”: One time we managed to bring back our old bassist from the dead.

Steve: I’m sorry?

“Big Dave”: He was literally dead.

Steve: Ok.

You’re the main songwriter for the band. Is this right?

“Big Dave”: Yes

Steve: What is the songwriting process like for you?

“Big Dave”: It’s filled with ups and downs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started writing a song, and then stopped midway through and trashed the whole thing. Sometimes I even break my piano.

Steve: Do most of your songs start out as ideas on the piano?

“Big Dave”: I don’t play piano.

Steve: What about the Majycc song “Caretaker for the Doomsday Crypt.” Where did that one come from?

“Big Dave”: That one’s about love, Steve.

Steve: I see. Now, Majycc has been around for 20 plus years, and you guys have put out over 30 albums. That must take a lot of time and dedication to your music.

“Big Dave”: Yes it does, Steve. It’s taken a toll on me personally, having been on the road for so long. Most people don’t understand the lifestyle.

Steve: Your new album “American Haymaker” hits the stores in two weeks. What would you say is your favorite part of the album?

“Big Dave”: The Drum solos. Most definitely. They’re really spicy. Our drummer is a God.

Steve: Do you enjoy being in the studio?

“Big Dave”: I do for the most part. But I’m not in there just for fun. It’s strictly business. I’m in the studio more than anyone else in the band, I can tell you that for sure. I slept in there for two weeks once.

Steve: That long huh? (Laughs)

“Big Dave”: Yeah (Laughs) Most of my time there is spent finding a guitar tone. I’m also the drummer for the band.

Steve: Wow. I didn’t know that. That must be very difficult on stage no doubt. How do you manage that?

“Big Dave”: Majycc.

TIME2MOSH: Disfiguring The Goddess

It has been a while since I've given you a pitt-riffment update.
I had originally planned on making the next post an epic post on Devourment, Pyrexia, Immolation, and Internal Bleeding, but I have decided to bypass all of those (important) bands and write a post on this brand newish band/thing.

If you have ever seen one of the Big Chocolate vocal covers on youtube (I think his real name is Cam or something), than you have a headstart on this post. That guy has a solo project called Disfiguring The Goddess, and they absolutely slam.

The music is some kind of deathcore/slam metal hybrid, and it has some of the most absolutely heavy mosh sections you will ever hear. I'll post a couple of videos here so you'll know what I'm talking about.

VOID LEACHER

BREACHING THE CLONE

So, it's awesome stuff. All of the songs on the album are basically a series of insane mosh riffs. My favorite is the one after the sustained chord in Void Leacher.

And yes, every song on the album is this creative and this destructive.

Sorry, by the way, if you expected a really funny post or something. I'll get back to hilarious stabs at death metal next time, I just really wanted to share this beautiful music with everybody.

REVIEW: RATS

Rats are adorable. When they reach a large enough size we call them cats. Cats have nipples.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy Legendary Golden Big Sword! I was unaware that rats and cats were of the same origin!" That's because technically cats are called catrats (say: kuh-trats) and you don't know how to use Google.

But in the name of Dexterity, I shall prove it to you. When observing both rats and catrats closely under a magnifying glass, you'll see that they are composed of:

• 3% Keratin
• 9% Fur
• 87% Rubber
• 1% Alcohol

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Stamina! The above percentages all contain unique digits!" This is true. Furthermore, if you add all the digits up and then subtract the number of digits being added, you get 23. Further still, this means you can get drunk if you eat enough cats (probably at least 23). Also, if you add up all the digits and then add the number of digits being added, you get 33, which is also a pretty cool number.

CATS AND SLEEP

Do not ever sleep with a cat. It will walk all over you while you are sleeping, stepping on various pressure points and your neck/face. After it's done trampling you, it will curl up in a ball on your balls, causing you to wake up with a severe case of numb-ball (this hurts a lot), perhaps in the middle of the night. (Unless you are female, in which case it may slide slightly into your vagina.)

And now for some Cat Fun Facts, or. . .

CUN FAX

• Cats do not understand the act of pointing. They will always look at your hand, which is hilarious. Test this and laugh! (Alternatively, declare: "Strength!")
• Cats spend 30% of their waking hours grooming themselves. That's almost as much time as your girlfriend spends!
• If you see your cat's legs twitching, that means it's dreaming of kicking the shit out of you for throwing your cum-sock on it.
• Intelligence.

A stylish new leash for your kitty

BIOGRAPHY: Ray Charles Adventures Pt. 1

Ray Charles

White Devil: The Ray Charles Adventures

The Autobiography of Ray Charles

Part 1

Ray Charles Stepped out of his time machine, gazing upon the glowing white forests of Antarus 9 with the eyes that the future had given him. They were alternating colors of green and red, and they rotated to let in different amounts of light, like the lens of a camera. They could only see in black and white. Also, they were way too small for his eye sockets, so they just kind of rested in the bottom of the fleshy cavities.

"So this is the land of King Grananathlphumpts?" he asked himself in a manner that might have resembled a small killer whale in the shape of a mouse, "yes it must be!" he answered to himself.

"Only this evil king, notorious for his racist tendencies, could unite such a beautiful people into a world of love and of eternal peace!"

"And also have mastered the art of Tae Kwon Do!"

"Oh, I didn't see you there, Dialogue Partner!"

"That, my friend, is, of course, because, of course, I am invisible to the naked eye! Which, of course, means that you, of course, cannot see me!"

"Oh yes, I remember that now. I better put on my magic see-invisibility glasses if I want to see you, while you are invisible, often!"

Ray Charles put on his magic glasses. They were bright pink, and had been decorated with colorful feathers by a class of middle schoolers. The decorations weren't glued on very well, so you could see the dots where they attached them to the frame. He could now see his friend, Dialogue Partner!

"Now that you can see me, you can tell that my outfit consists of many large beads, strung together into some form of decorative chainmail!"

"You're right," said Ray Charles, "I didn't notice that before, or anything."

"I knew you'd notice it once you could see me!"

"Thanks!"

"You are very welcome!" they both said at the same time.

Then they both said something else at the same time. It was:

"Look! There's something bad about to happen!"

And then something bad happened.

Very bad.

And very happenin'.

The Importance of Reading

Reading makes the world go round. Reading has the power to build nations and destroy cities. What makes us human? The ability to read. But can all humans read? No. (I will explain this phenomenon later in the context of racism) Reading has the power to take you places you’ve never imagined and never wanted to go.

If you can’t read, go learn how. The more you read, the more you know. Learn to read books. Learn to read poems. Learn to read nutrition labels. Learn to read binary code. Learn to read minds. Think of it this way. Reading is like eating. There’s a whole world full of food out there for you to eat, so don’t discriminate. Indulge yourself. Become obese with knowledge. Find your favorite dishes and eat them every night. As a citizen of the human race, you’re standing in the midst of an extensive potluck feast. So tonight for dinner, instead of eating, try reading.

There has never been a better time in the history of the world to start reading than now. It’s easier than cooking and better than drugs. Not everyone reads on the same level, so it’s important to pick the literature that’s right for you. If you feel challenged by big words and punctuation, don’t be discouraged. Try reading something easier like billboards, magazines, or catalogues. Don’t give up. Reading is a useful tool. Reading will grant you power over the culturally inferior. Recite your favorite sonnet to your love interest to put them on their knees. Read a Bible verse to an ethnic minority to save their soul. You can have the power. Simply pick up a book and read it.

FAQ

Is reading fun?

Reading can be fun. It can also be terrifying. Reading is as enjoyable or gruesome as you make it.

Is reading dangerous for children?

It depends. For many children, reading can be a traumatizing experience. With the power to destroy young minds, parental discretion is advised when teaching kids to read. Until the age of ten, I was lost without reading. Then I found how rewarding of an experience it can be.

Can black people read?

No. This is a common misconception. In addition to using jive talk and a collection of click dialects, black people commonly convey their thoughts with one another via the Retinal Authorization Process, or R.A.P. Nowadays a few white people use R.A.P., but this rudimentary form of communication is best left to the nappy-haired and socially unruly.

TIME2MOSH: Suffocation

This is the next installation of my critically acclaimed series of columns spotlighting the most punishing mosh riffs in existence, entitled TIME2MOSH. You may not always agree with my definition of a mosh riff, but you will probably ALWAYS agree that the riffs I pick are pretty gosh darn mighty.

Last time I spotlighted just a couple of the many thrash metal mosh riffs by the band Slayer. That was a good place to start, since they pretty much started the whole moshing deal-i-o, but honestly, they kind of suck at it.

In my eyes, there are two metal genres that really bring forth the mosh, and they are reviled by pretty much everyone on the internet, other than some guy:

Slamming Brutal Death Metal

and

Deathcore

These genres have BREAKDOWNS(!!!), which are half time chugging riffs in the middle of a song inteded for the sole purpose of CRUSHING PITT RIFFMENT(!!!). They go about breakdowns slightly differently, but the idea is generally the same:

1. Wear Baseball Caps

2. CRUSHING PITT RIFFMENT!!!

You can usually tell the genres apart because SLAM logos have a corny photoshop 3D effect on them, and are always in a single bad looking color, while -CORE logos look like they had a professional graphic designer and a record label, but not one that REALLY knew what they were doing, so like one of the letters will look bad or asymetrical or something.

The band that started both of these genres had nothing to do with baseball caps, or corny photoshop effects, but still had the pitt riffment that makes them great.

I am, of course, talking about the almighty Suffocation!

That's right. No caps.

I have recently started going by the mantra 'you can only make your first album once', because I see so many horrible freshman releases by new bands and stuff, and I think Suffocation really had this in mind when they made theirs. Effigy of the Forgotten. (I don't count the album before it, Human Waste, because it's gosh darn terrible!) Effigy of the Forgotten is full of some of the sickest, most crushing, crushing pitt riffment ever. Take for example this song:

I'm not even going to tell you where to mosh, cause if you can't hear it, you should probably just kill yourself or something.

After that they had like two albums where they tried to be complicated or proggy or something, and I don't like them, even though everyone else does.

That's cool though because a couple of years ago they released a monster called Blood Oath, and it goes back to the Crushing Riffment no problemo!!!

CRUSHING PITT RIFFMENT AT 2:29, ANYONE???

So that's basically Suffocation. If you know anything about music, you can see how they pretty much influenced every band int he past 20 years with their massive riffment. They're pretty much just like The Rolling Stones, if The Rolling Stones had guitars tuned to B-flat, half-time chugging grooves, sick guttural vocals, arbitrary blastbeats, and atonal riffage.

Next Time: Next time will probably happen a few more times from now than this time happened from last time, but that was just because I was just so excited about the pittage! Next time I'll probably talk about either Devourment or Internal Bleeding, depending on my mood. Colorful band names await! Off to the skies, Superman!!!