Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Doctor Breakfast and The Silence

Doctor Breakfast awoke to the sound of screams caused by the kind of pain that outlives the one who feels it. The kind of scream a mother tries to send beyond the material plane when her child is stillborn, the kind of silent pain when the deepest trust one can hold is betrayed completely and unexpectedly over what seems like nothing. If the pain that caused the scream that woke Doctor Breakfast was an apathy it would be the kind of apathy that shrugs and flips a coin when asked "Would you rather lose all of your senses or know what you want from your life and achieve it in an existentially satisfying way?"

Doctor Breakfast was hungover. He rolled out of bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. You know, when you pull all that green ectoplasm out of your tear ducts. It's seven PM and writing that made me remove some of mine just now.

"Did anyone else hear that?"

The Silence answered him. "My bad, that was me."

"Cool it mom, you were deafening."

The Silence existed.

"What's on the agenda today?"

The Silence stood outside Doctor Breakfast's bedroom door. "Get dressed and get up, we've got crime to fight."

Doctor Breakfast donned his Bacon helmet, Egg shirt, and Toast shorts. His stethoscope was an ordinary stethoscope and he donned it as well. "Why were you screaming?" He opened the door and embraced his mother.

The Silence existed.

Doctor Breakfast belched.

"You drink too much." The Silence observed.

"Nobody screams like that over their son drinking." The Silence was observed.

The Silence sighed. "Our struggle is eternal. Neither side will admit defeat or gain enough strength for victory."

"Don't remind me." Doctor Breakfast quickly consumed enough alcohol to solve all my problems permanently.

"God in Heaven, hear my cry. Show me mercy. End my life."

"Amen." Belched Doctor Breakfast.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Sexual Intercourse and Paintball: A Critical Comparison

Sex, like paintball, is more fun when you're good at it. They often leave you with strange scratches and bruises, out of breath and covered in sweat. When you're the best in town, word gets around and everyone wants to play with you. Aggression and a willingness to try new things is often rewarded but occasionally backfires. After a great session you drive home feeling on top of the world, your perception bathed in an endorphin induced afterglow and generalized sense of well-being.

A bond of trust exists between participants. Some pain can be fun, but safety rules should be well understood and followed. Going too far is a different line for each individual. A negative reputation can follow you around and keep you dry for as long as the rest of your life. Your first time will probably be intense and over very quickly. Men are much more interested in participating than women.

Sex isn't exactly paintball. Paintball always costs money. It's very rarely a one-on-one experience. You can drive to a facility and play with whoever showed up that day because few people are particularly picky about with whom they play paintball. Men aren't judged very harshly for being bad at paintball or unable to make anything happen.

Paintball isn't exactly sex. Sex often has permanent physical and psychological effects. It can cause jealousy, inspire murders, and destroy social circles. In many countries it is more strictly regulated than paintball, and, unlike paintball, everybody wants to play.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Volume Three: Return of The Thing

Not even God himself had a chance to prevent the calamity that befell our people.

Every sleeping soul was disturbed and joined the realm of the waking. The realm of the waking was overcome with an incomprehensible sense of dread.

A dissonant chord shook the universe. Even the deaf could hear it. It built in volume and harmony until our minds felt a single moment away from breaking and then stopped. The silence was absolute.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Interviews from the Vault

This is an excerpt from an exclusive interview with Dave Hammlin, a.k.a “Big Dave”, from the band Majycc, conducted by People’s Choice Rock Icons magazine. The interviewer is Steve Wetcomb. Circa 1990

Steve: Dave, before we begin, I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to be here interviewing one of the greatest rock legends of all time.

“Big Dave”: Thanks. Me too.

Steve: Now Dave, you are one of the founders of Majycc. What inspired you to form this band?

“Big Dave”: Well Steve, inspiration can come from many places. Sometimes it just falls out of the sky and hits you. I can’t tell you how, or when, or even why Majycc formed. It just happened. It was written in the stars.

Steve: I see. Now, what would you say your early influences were as a band?

“Big Dave”: well you know…Sorcery. Plants. Nature. The Universe. All kinds of Voodoo magic really. We came together and did some crazy stuff. Sometimes we would shoot of rockets and recite spells before going on stage.

Steve: What about musical influences?

“Big Dave”: One time we managed to bring back our old bassist from the dead.

Steve: I’m sorry?

“Big Dave”: He was literally dead.

Steve: Ok.

You’re the main songwriter for the band. Is this right?

“Big Dave”: Yes

Steve: What is the songwriting process like for you?

“Big Dave”: It’s filled with ups and downs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started writing a song, and then stopped midway through and trashed the whole thing. Sometimes I even break my piano.

Steve: Do most of your songs start out as ideas on the piano?

“Big Dave”: I don’t play piano.

Steve: What about the Majycc song “Caretaker for the Doomsday Crypt.” Where did that one come from?

“Big Dave”: That one’s about love, Steve.

Steve: I see. Now, Majycc has been around for 20 plus years, and you guys have put out over 30 albums. That must take a lot of time and dedication to your music.

“Big Dave”: Yes it does, Steve. It’s taken a toll on me personally, having been on the road for so long. Most people don’t understand the lifestyle.

Steve: Your new album “American Haymaker” hits the stores in two weeks. What would you say is your favorite part of the album?

“Big Dave”: The Drum solos. Most definitely. They’re really spicy. Our drummer is a God.

Steve: Do you enjoy being in the studio?

“Big Dave”: I do for the most part. But I’m not in there just for fun. It’s strictly business. I’m in the studio more than anyone else in the band, I can tell you that for sure. I slept in there for two weeks once.

Steve: That long huh? (Laughs)

“Big Dave”: Yeah (Laughs) Most of my time there is spent finding a guitar tone. I’m also the drummer for the band.

Steve: Wow. I didn’t know that. That must be very difficult on stage no doubt. How do you manage that?

“Big Dave”: Majycc.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

TIME2MOSH: Disfiguring The Goddess

It has been a while since I've given you a pitt-riffment update.
I had originally planned on making the next post an epic post on Devourment, Pyrexia, Immolation, and Internal Bleeding, but I have decided to bypass all of those (important) bands and write a post on this brand newish band/thing.

If you have ever seen one of the Big Chocolate vocal covers on youtube (I think his real name is Cam or something), than you have a headstart on this post. That guy has a solo project called Disfiguring The Goddess, and they absolutely slam.

The music is some kind of deathcore/slam metal hybrid, and it has some of the most absolutely heavy mosh sections you will ever hear. I'll post a couple of videos here so you'll know what I'm talking about.

VOID LEACHER

BREACHING THE CLONE

So, it's awesome stuff. All of the songs on the album are basically a series of insane mosh riffs. My favorite is the one after the sustained chord in Void Leacher.

And yes, every song on the album is this creative and this destructive.



Sorry, by the way, if you expected a really funny post or something. I'll get back to hilarious stabs at death metal next time, I just really wanted to share this beautiful music with everybody.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

REVIEW: RATS

Rats are adorable. When they reach a large enough size we call them cats. Cats have nipples.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy Legendary Golden Big Sword! I was unaware that rats and cats were of the same origin!" That's because technically cats are called catrats (say: kuh-trats) and you don't know how to use Google.

But in the name of Dexterity, I shall prove it to you. When observing both rats and catrats closely under a magnifying glass, you'll see that they are composed of:
  • 3% Keratin
  • 9% Fur
  • 87% Rubber
  • 1% Alcohol
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Stamina! The above percentages all contain unique digits!" This is true. Furthermore, if you add all the digits up and then subtract the number of digits being added, you get 23. Further still, this means you can get drunk if you eat enough cats (probably at least 23). Also, if you add up all the digits and then add the number of digits being added, you get 33, which is also a pretty cool number.

    CATS AND SLEEP

    Do not ever sleep with a cat. It will walk all over you while you are sleeping, stepping on various pressure points and your neck/face. After it's done trampling you, it will curl up in a ball on your balls, causing you to wake up with a severe case of numb-ball (this hurts a lot), perhaps in the middle of the night. (Unless you are female, in which case it may slide slightly into your vagina.)


    And now for some Cat Fun Facts, or. . .


    CUN FAX

    • Cats do not understand the act of pointing. They will always look at your hand, which is hilarious. Test this and laugh! (Alternatively, declare: "Strength!")
    • Cats spend 30% of their waking hours grooming themselves. That's almost as much time as your girlfriend spends!
    • If you see your cat's legs twitching, that means it's dreaming of kicking the shit out of you for throwing your cum-sock on it.
    • Intelligence.
    A stylish new leash for your kitty