Are You an Alien?

This post is actually TOO SCANDALOUS for Lightning is Hot, so it has been relocated because all the other writers started having perpetual heart attacks and strokes because of how scandalous it was. It has since been moved to my other blog http://supersexyblog69.blogspot.com/ and will remain there because that blog can handle the awesomeness that is this original post in its entirety.

Interviews From the Vault: Archie

Now as most of you may know, all of you know that the new Majycc album Hypergalactic Sex Highway drops next Sunday. We at Tuna Whaling Quarterly have spoken to who is, without a doubt, the backbone of the band; Archibald “Archie” Fernandez Henderson Waits. We, however, are not releasing that interview. Ever.

Instead, we are releasing an interview from the year 1942 when he was fighting on the frontlines of the second World War II. During this period, he not only wrote, produced, and released seventeen Majycc albums entirely on his own – while still selflessly giving credit to the other, lazier band members – he also retaught all of the other members how to play their respective instruments because they had all recently done so much acid that they had forgotten literally everything. Suffice it to say, he saved their careers and their lives.

Now, without further ado, we give unto you, our loyal viewers, the interview, conducted by Silus McAllegheny, from that fateful day upon which Archie was fatally shot hours before this interview.

Silus: So, Archie, how are you doing?

Archie: Aside from the bullet wound in my neck, never better. Every day is a new day for dying. It's just too bad when you actually get around to that dying part.

Silus: Yeah, that looks pretty bad. Shouldn't you be getting some sort of medical attention?

Archie: I'm a bit too busy right now to patch this bad boy up. The medic said it was a miracle that I was able to stand anyway, so what's pushing my luck a bit more? All right, let's get to the nitty gritty 'cause I got six more interviews to go to and nine more albums to finish up before the sun sets.

Silus: All right, let's go ahead and bang this out then.

Archie: Yeah, let's take care of business.

Silus: Okay, let's get started.

Archie: Indeed, let's drop some knowledge atom bombs on the Hiroshima that is our minds.

Silus: Yeah, let's smash some knowledge night sticks and riot shields into the faces of the oppressed black people vying for equal rights that is our minds.

Archie: Okay, dude, lay it on me. What have you got for the big, bad Archie?

Silus: All right. First off, how's the love life?

Archie: Well, since the human body can maintain an erection for hours after death, I'm hoping it'll be pretty kicking by the time I make it to the bar later tonight. As for specificity, the world is my lovely lady, and my lovely lady is my world.

Silus: I feel that, dog.

Archie: Word.

Silus: Semantics and horseshoe mongering aside, how's the band looking?

Archie: I've lately been dealing with the fact that every other member of Majycc is completing his or her own solo work, so I am currently the only member of the band. So it's business as usual.

Silus: It's sounds like you love your work.

Archie: I love it more than fighting the good fight itself.

Silus: That's saying something. I love nothing more than fighting the good fight.

Archie: These days, I'm more of a lover, but don't tell anyone. I have to keep my tough-guy exterior, or the boys around here will lose morale, and we'll lose all of the ground we've gained. I can't let that happen, and I think that's what's keeping me going, since I'm technically dead.

Silus: You definitely are a Jack of all trades. Anything else you've been up to besides writing music, loving women, and singlehandedly winning this war?

Archie: No.

Silus: Well, that makes sense.

Archie: Are we done yet?

Silus: I guess so.

Everything

is going to be just fine. Listen! No, don't do that. NO. Stop it. Okay, are you listening? You're not listening, I can tell. There will be consequences. Good. Sit down. NO. Not that chair. Sit on the BLUE one. I'm going to slap you. If you cry out, there will be another consequence. Good. Tears are acceptable.

Interviews from the Vault

This is an excerpt from an exclusive interview with Dave Hammlin, a.k.a “Big Dave”, from the band Majycc, conducted by People’s Choice Rock Icons magazine. The interviewer is Steve Wetcomb. Circa 1990

Steve: Dave, before we begin, I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to be here interviewing one of the greatest rock legends of all time.

“Big Dave”: Thanks. Me too.

Steve: Now Dave, you are one of the founders of Majycc. What inspired you to form this band?

“Big Dave”: Well Steve, inspiration can come from many places. Sometimes it just falls out of the sky and hits you. I can’t tell you how, or when, or even why Majycc formed. It just happened. It was written in the stars.

Steve: I see. Now, what would you say your early influences were as a band?

“Big Dave”: well you know…Sorcery. Plants. Nature. The Universe. All kinds of Voodoo magic really. We came together and did some crazy stuff. Sometimes we would shoot of rockets and recite spells before going on stage.

Steve: What about musical influences?

“Big Dave”: One time we managed to bring back our old bassist from the dead.

Steve: I’m sorry?

“Big Dave”: He was literally dead.

Steve: Ok.

You’re the main songwriter for the band. Is this right?

“Big Dave”: Yes

Steve: What is the songwriting process like for you?

“Big Dave”: It’s filled with ups and downs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started writing a song, and then stopped midway through and trashed the whole thing. Sometimes I even break my piano.

Steve: Do most of your songs start out as ideas on the piano?

“Big Dave”: I don’t play piano.

Steve: What about the Majycc song “Caretaker for the Doomsday Crypt.” Where did that one come from?

“Big Dave”: That one’s about love, Steve.

Steve: I see. Now, Majycc has been around for 20 plus years, and you guys have put out over 30 albums. That must take a lot of time and dedication to your music.

“Big Dave”: Yes it does, Steve. It’s taken a toll on me personally, having been on the road for so long. Most people don’t understand the lifestyle.

Steve: Your new album “American Haymaker” hits the stores in two weeks. What would you say is your favorite part of the album?

“Big Dave”: The Drum solos. Most definitely. They’re really spicy. Our drummer is a God.

Steve: Do you enjoy being in the studio?

“Big Dave”: I do for the most part. But I’m not in there just for fun. It’s strictly business. I’m in the studio more than anyone else in the band, I can tell you that for sure. I slept in there for two weeks once.

Steve: That long huh? (Laughs)

“Big Dave”: Yeah (Laughs) Most of my time there is spent finding a guitar tone. I’m also the drummer for the band.

Steve: Wow. I didn’t know that. That must be very difficult on stage no doubt. How do you manage that?

“Big Dave”: Majycc.

TIME2MOSH: Disfiguring The Goddess

It has been a while since I've given you a pitt-riffment update.
I had originally planned on making the next post an epic post on Devourment, Pyrexia, Immolation, and Internal Bleeding, but I have decided to bypass all of those (important) bands and write a post on this brand newish band/thing.

If you have ever seen one of the Big Chocolate vocal covers on youtube (I think his real name is Cam or something), than you have a headstart on this post. That guy has a solo project called Disfiguring The Goddess, and they absolutely slam.

The music is some kind of deathcore/slam metal hybrid, and it has some of the most absolutely heavy mosh sections you will ever hear. I'll post a couple of videos here so you'll know what I'm talking about.

VOID LEACHER

BREACHING THE CLONE

So, it's awesome stuff. All of the songs on the album are basically a series of insane mosh riffs. My favorite is the one after the sustained chord in Void Leacher.

And yes, every song on the album is this creative and this destructive.

Sorry, by the way, if you expected a really funny post or something. I'll get back to hilarious stabs at death metal next time, I just really wanted to share this beautiful music with everybody.

BAND TIME! The Human Abstract

This show was HOT. Hotter than sex tourism in a sauna in Thailand! Three local bands opened for four touring bands in the Raleigh shithole known as The Brewery. Here's the breakdown:

Beyond the Pillars - Sloppy
Metropolis - Sloppy
Acrasia - Solid
Let Live - Professional
This or the Apocalypse - The closest to perfect I've seen yet but Professional
Scale the Summit - Professional
The Human Abstract - Solid

Beyond the Pillars could change their name to Beyond the Breakdowns and no one would give a shit. They played horribly generic deathcore not terribly and the audience stood back a good fifteen feet just watching, arms crossed, unimpressed. Some of the lead guitar work was decent, but no one cared that this band was playing and the singer's demand that people move and come up front was pathetic. If this band were a prostitute it'd be a desperate forty year old crack whore.

Metropolis had two vocalists and an interesting, tight rapid-fire lyrical technique, but their drummer's blastbeats were ass and their guitarist's tone and intonation was shit. A few people got into their set and their stage presence was synchronized and solid. If this band were a prostitute it'd be an almost attractive mother of two trying to feed her children by sucking cock in the alley next to the restaurant she waitresses at.

Acrasia obviously has a following - the crowd closed in and started paying attention while they were setting up, and the room fucking moved when they started playing. They sounded pretty good but weren't quite tight enough to be called professional. They put on a good show, and if they were a prostitute they'd be an inexperienced but innocently attractive eighteen year old who had just run away from home.

Let Live was tight and explosively energetic. Their frontman was absolutely destructive and didn't give a fuck about anything. This mid-20s band whore would fuck you until your dick bled, but you'd keep going because she'd kill you if you didn't.

This or the Apocalypse would've been literally perfect if their stage-right guitarist had been a little tighter on his leads and vibrato. Great energy and feeling, lots of crowd response, entertaining show, definitely an experienced twenty-two year legal brothel girl in Nevada.

Scale the Summit had the best overall sound of the night and everything they played was tight and precise without feeling dead. I never got bored during their set and some people tried to mosh, though Scale the Summit were instrumental. Their set was like a graceful blowjob from your first unreasonably attractive college-level English professor.

The Human Abstract brought their own light-kit and everyone at the show came primarily to see them - crowd energy was extreme for the entirety of their set. They were tight but some of the lead guitar parts on their records are nearly impossible, and I heard minor mistakes in every song. Not enough to call them sloppy, but their vocalist's inability to hit most of the clean singing he recorded definitely brought them from professional to merely solid. Like a drunken blowjob from the same English teacher but she accidentally used too much teeth a couple times - you'd still finish, and you'd do it again, but she wouldn't be your favorite after this.

REVIEW: RATS

Rats are adorable. When they reach a large enough size we call them cats. Cats have nipples.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy Legendary Golden Big Sword! I was unaware that rats and cats were of the same origin!" That's because technically cats are called catrats (say: kuh-trats) and you don't know how to use Google.

But in the name of Dexterity, I shall prove it to you. When observing both rats and catrats closely under a magnifying glass, you'll see that they are composed of:

• 3% Keratin
• 9% Fur
• 87% Rubber
• 1% Alcohol

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Stamina! The above percentages all contain unique digits!" This is true. Furthermore, if you add all the digits up and then subtract the number of digits being added, you get 23. Further still, this means you can get drunk if you eat enough cats (probably at least 23). Also, if you add up all the digits and then add the number of digits being added, you get 33, which is also a pretty cool number.

CATS AND SLEEP

Do not ever sleep with a cat. It will walk all over you while you are sleeping, stepping on various pressure points and your neck/face. After it's done trampling you, it will curl up in a ball on your balls, causing you to wake up with a severe case of numb-ball (this hurts a lot), perhaps in the middle of the night. (Unless you are female, in which case it may slide slightly into your vagina.)

And now for some Cat Fun Facts, or. . .

CUN FAX

• Cats do not understand the act of pointing. They will always look at your hand, which is hilarious. Test this and laugh! (Alternatively, declare: "Strength!")
• Cats spend 30% of their waking hours grooming themselves. That's almost as much time as your girlfriend spends!
• If you see your cat's legs twitching, that means it's dreaming of kicking the shit out of you for throwing your cum-sock on it.
• Intelligence.

A stylish new leash for your kitty