Monday, July 11, 2011

Are You an Alien?

This post is actually TOO SCANDALOUS for Lightning is Hot, so it has been relocated because all the other writers started having perpetual heart attacks and strokes because of how scandalous it was. It has since been moved to my other blog and will remain there because that blog can handle the awesomeness that is this original post in its entirety.

Interviews From the Vault: Archie

Now as most of you may know, all of you know that the new Majycc album Hypergalactic Sex Highway drops next Sunday. We at Tuna Whaling Quarterly have spoken to who is, without a doubt, the backbone of the band; Archibald “Archie” Fernandez Henderson Waits. We, however, are not releasing that interview. Ever.

Instead, we are releasing an interview from the year 1942 when he was fighting on the frontlines of the second World War II. During this period, he not only wrote, produced, and released seventeen Majycc albums entirely on his own – while still selflessly giving credit to the other, lazier band members – he also retaught all of the other members how to play their respective instruments because they had all recently done so much acid that they had forgotten literally everything. Suffice it to say, he saved their careers and their lives.

Now, without further ado, we give unto you, our loyal viewers, the interview, conducted by Silus McAllegheny, from that fateful day upon which Archie was fatally shot hours before this interview.

Silus: So, Archie, how are you doing?

Archie: Aside from the bullet wound in my neck, never better. Every day is a new day for dying. It's just too bad when you actually get around to that dying part.

Silus: Yeah, that looks pretty bad. Shouldn't you be getting some sort of medical attention?

Archie: I'm a bit too busy right now to patch this bad boy up. The medic said it was a miracle that I was able to stand anyway, so what's pushing my luck a bit more? All right, let's get to the nitty gritty 'cause I got six more interviews to go to and nine more albums to finish up before the sun sets.

Silus: All right, let's go ahead and bang this out then.

Archie: Yeah, let's take care of business.

Silus: Okay, let's get started.

Archie: Indeed, let's drop some knowledge atom bombs on the Hiroshima that is our minds.

Silus: Yeah, let's smash some knowledge night sticks and riot shields into the faces of the oppressed black people vying for equal rights that is our minds.

Archie: Okay, dude, lay it on me. What have you got for the big, bad Archie?

Silus: All right. First off, how's the love life?

Archie: Well, since the human body can maintain an erection for hours after death, I'm hoping it'll be pretty kicking by the time I make it to the bar later tonight. As for specificity, the world is my lovely lady, and my lovely lady is my world.

Silus: I feel that, dog.

Archie: Word.

Silus: Semantics and horseshoe mongering aside, how's the band looking?

Archie: I've lately been dealing with the fact that every other member of Majycc is completing his or her own solo work, so I am currently the only member of the band. So it's business as usual.

Silus: It's sounds like you love your work.

Archie: I love it more than fighting the good fight itself.

Silus: That's saying something. I love nothing more than fighting the good fight.

Archie: These days, I'm more of a lover, but don't tell anyone. I have to keep my tough-guy exterior, or the boys around here will lose morale, and we'll lose all of the ground we've gained. I can't let that happen, and I think that's what's keeping me going, since I'm technically dead.

Silus: You definitely are a Jack of all trades. Anything else you've been up to besides writing music, loving women, and singlehandedly winning this war?

Archie: No.

Silus: Well, that makes sense.

Archie: Are we done yet?

Silus: I guess so.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Interviews from the Vault

This is an excerpt from an exclusive interview with Dave Hammlin, a.k.a “Big Dave”, from the band Majycc, conducted by People’s Choice Rock Icons magazine. The interviewer is Steve Wetcomb. Circa 1990

Steve: Dave, before we begin, I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to be here interviewing one of the greatest rock legends of all time.

“Big Dave”: Thanks. Me too.

Steve: Now Dave, you are one of the founders of Majycc. What inspired you to form this band?

“Big Dave”: Well Steve, inspiration can come from many places. Sometimes it just falls out of the sky and hits you. I can’t tell you how, or when, or even why Majycc formed. It just happened. It was written in the stars.

Steve: I see. Now, what would you say your early influences were as a band?

“Big Dave”: well you know…Sorcery. Plants. Nature. The Universe. All kinds of Voodoo magic really. We came together and did some crazy stuff. Sometimes we would shoot of rockets and recite spells before going on stage.

Steve: What about musical influences?

“Big Dave”: One time we managed to bring back our old bassist from the dead.

Steve: I’m sorry?

“Big Dave”: He was literally dead.

Steve: Ok.

You’re the main songwriter for the band. Is this right?

“Big Dave”: Yes

Steve: What is the songwriting process like for you?

“Big Dave”: It’s filled with ups and downs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started writing a song, and then stopped midway through and trashed the whole thing. Sometimes I even break my piano.

Steve: Do most of your songs start out as ideas on the piano?

“Big Dave”: I don’t play piano.

Steve: What about the Majycc song “Caretaker for the Doomsday Crypt.” Where did that one come from?

“Big Dave”: That one’s about love, Steve.

Steve: I see. Now, Majycc has been around for 20 plus years, and you guys have put out over 30 albums. That must take a lot of time and dedication to your music.

“Big Dave”: Yes it does, Steve. It’s taken a toll on me personally, having been on the road for so long. Most people don’t understand the lifestyle.

Steve: Your new album “American Haymaker” hits the stores in two weeks. What would you say is your favorite part of the album?

“Big Dave”: The Drum solos. Most definitely. They’re really spicy. Our drummer is a God.

Steve: Do you enjoy being in the studio?

“Big Dave”: I do for the most part. But I’m not in there just for fun. It’s strictly business. I’m in the studio more than anyone else in the band, I can tell you that for sure. I slept in there for two weeks once.

Steve: That long huh? (Laughs)

“Big Dave”: Yeah (Laughs) Most of my time there is spent finding a guitar tone. I’m also the drummer for the band.

Steve: Wow. I didn’t know that. That must be very difficult on stage no doubt. How do you manage that?

“Big Dave”: Majycc.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

TIME2MOSH: Disfiguring The Goddess

It has been a while since I've given you a pitt-riffment update.
I had originally planned on making the next post an epic post on Devourment, Pyrexia, Immolation, and Internal Bleeding, but I have decided to bypass all of those (important) bands and write a post on this brand newish band/thing.

If you have ever seen one of the Big Chocolate vocal covers on youtube (I think his real name is Cam or something), than you have a headstart on this post. That guy has a solo project called Disfiguring The Goddess, and they absolutely slam.

The music is some kind of deathcore/slam metal hybrid, and it has some of the most absolutely heavy mosh sections you will ever hear. I'll post a couple of videos here so you'll know what I'm talking about.



So, it's awesome stuff. All of the songs on the album are basically a series of insane mosh riffs. My favorite is the one after the sustained chord in Void Leacher.

And yes, every song on the album is this creative and this destructive.

Sorry, by the way, if you expected a really funny post or something. I'll get back to hilarious stabs at death metal next time, I just really wanted to share this beautiful music with everybody.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


Rats are adorable. When they reach a large enough size we call them cats. Cats have nipples.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy Legendary Golden Big Sword! I was unaware that rats and cats were of the same origin!" That's because technically cats are called catrats (say: kuh-trats) and you don't know how to use Google.

But in the name of Dexterity, I shall prove it to you. When observing both rats and catrats closely under a magnifying glass, you'll see that they are composed of:
  • 3% Keratin
  • 9% Fur
  • 87% Rubber
  • 1% Alcohol
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Stamina! The above percentages all contain unique digits!" This is true. Furthermore, if you add all the digits up and then subtract the number of digits being added, you get 23. Further still, this means you can get drunk if you eat enough cats (probably at least 23). Also, if you add up all the digits and then add the number of digits being added, you get 33, which is also a pretty cool number.


    Do not ever sleep with a cat. It will walk all over you while you are sleeping, stepping on various pressure points and your neck/face. After it's done trampling you, it will curl up in a ball on your balls, causing you to wake up with a severe case of numb-ball (this hurts a lot), perhaps in the middle of the night. (Unless you are female, in which case it may slide slightly into your vagina.)

    And now for some Cat Fun Facts, or. . .


    • Cats do not understand the act of pointing. They will always look at your hand, which is hilarious. Test this and laugh! (Alternatively, declare: "Strength!")
    • Cats spend 30% of their waking hours grooming themselves. That's almost as much time as your girlfriend spends!
    • If you see your cat's legs twitching, that means it's dreaming of kicking the shit out of you for throwing your cum-sock on it.
    • Intelligence.
    A stylish new leash for your kitty

    Sunday, April 24, 2011

    BIOGRAPHY: Ray Charles Adventures Pt. 1

    Ray Charles

    White Devil: The Ray Charles Adventures
    The Autobiography of Ray Charles

    Part 1

    Ray Charles Stepped out of his time machine, gazing upon the glowing white forests of Antarus 9 with the eyes that the future had given him. They were alternating colors of green and red, and they rotated to let in different amounts of light, like the lens of a camera. They could only see in black and white. Also, they were way too small for his eye sockets, so they just kind of rested in the bottom of the fleshy cavities.

    "So this is the land of King Grananathlphumpts?" he asked himself in a manner that might have resembled a small killer whale in the shape of a mouse, "yes it must be!" he answered to himself.
    "Only this evil king, notorious for his racist tendencies, could unite such a beautiful people into a world of love and of eternal peace!"
    "And also have mastered the art of Tae Kwon Do!"
    "Oh, I didn't see you there, Dialogue Partner!"
    "That, my friend, is, of course, because, of course, I am invisible to the naked eye! Which, of course, means that you, of course, cannot see me!"
    "Oh yes, I remember that now. I better put on my magic see-invisibility glasses if I want to see you, while you are invisible, often!"

    Ray Charles put on his magic glasses. They were bright pink, and had been decorated with colorful feathers by a class of middle schoolers. The decorations weren't glued on very well, so you could see the dots where they attached them to the frame. He could now see his friend, Dialogue Partner!

    "Now that you can see me, you can tell that my outfit consists of many large beads, strung together into some form of decorative chainmail!"
    "You're right," said Ray Charles, "I didn't notice that before, or anything."
    "I knew you'd notice it once you could see me!"
    "You are very welcome!" they both said at the same time.
    Then they both said something else at the same time. It was:
    "Look! There's something bad about to happen!"

    And then something bad happened.
    Very bad.
    And very happenin'.