Interviews from the Vault

This is an excerpt from an exclusive interview with Dave Hammlin, a.k.a “Big Dave”, from the band Majycc, conducted by People’s Choice Rock Icons magazine. The interviewer is Steve Wetcomb. Circa 1990

Steve: Dave, before we begin, I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to be here interviewing one of the greatest rock legends of all time.

“Big Dave”: Thanks. Me too.

Steve: Now Dave, you are one of the founders of Majycc. What inspired you to form this band?

“Big Dave”: Well Steve, inspiration can come from many places. Sometimes it just falls out of the sky and hits you. I can’t tell you how, or when, or even why Majycc formed. It just happened. It was written in the stars.

Steve: I see. Now, what would you say your early influences were as a band?

“Big Dave”: well you know…Sorcery. Plants. Nature. The Universe. All kinds of Voodoo magic really. We came together and did some crazy stuff. Sometimes we would shoot of rockets and recite spells before going on stage.

Steve: What about musical influences?

“Big Dave”: One time we managed to bring back our old bassist from the dead.

Steve: I’m sorry?

“Big Dave”: He was literally dead.

Steve: Ok.

You’re the main songwriter for the band. Is this right?

“Big Dave”: Yes

Steve: What is the songwriting process like for you?

“Big Dave”: It’s filled with ups and downs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started writing a song, and then stopped midway through and trashed the whole thing. Sometimes I even break my piano.

Steve: Do most of your songs start out as ideas on the piano?

“Big Dave”: I don’t play piano.

Steve: What about the Majycc song “Caretaker for the Doomsday Crypt.” Where did that one come from?

“Big Dave”: That one’s about love, Steve.

Steve: I see. Now, Majycc has been around for 20 plus years, and you guys have put out over 30 albums. That must take a lot of time and dedication to your music.

“Big Dave”: Yes it does, Steve. It’s taken a toll on me personally, having been on the road for so long. Most people don’t understand the lifestyle.

Steve: Your new album “American Haymaker” hits the stores in two weeks. What would you say is your favorite part of the album?

“Big Dave”: The Drum solos. Most definitely. They’re really spicy. Our drummer is a God.

Steve: Do you enjoy being in the studio?

“Big Dave”: I do for the most part. But I’m not in there just for fun. It’s strictly business. I’m in the studio more than anyone else in the band, I can tell you that for sure. I slept in there for two weeks once.

Steve: That long huh? (Laughs)

“Big Dave”: Yeah (Laughs) Most of my time there is spent finding a guitar tone. I’m also the drummer for the band.

Steve: Wow. I didn’t know that. That must be very difficult on stage no doubt. How do you manage that?

“Big Dave”: Majycc.

TIME2MOSH: Disfiguring The Goddess

It has been a while since I've given you a pitt-riffment update.
I had originally planned on making the next post an epic post on Devourment, Pyrexia, Immolation, and Internal Bleeding, but I have decided to bypass all of those (important) bands and write a post on this brand newish band/thing.

If you have ever seen one of the Big Chocolate vocal covers on youtube (I think his real name is Cam or something), than you have a headstart on this post. That guy has a solo project called Disfiguring The Goddess, and they absolutely slam.

The music is some kind of deathcore/slam metal hybrid, and it has some of the most absolutely heavy mosh sections you will ever hear. I'll post a couple of videos here so you'll know what I'm talking about.

VOID LEACHER

BREACHING THE CLONE

So, it's awesome stuff. All of the songs on the album are basically a series of insane mosh riffs. My favorite is the one after the sustained chord in Void Leacher.

And yes, every song on the album is this creative and this destructive.

Sorry, by the way, if you expected a really funny post or something. I'll get back to hilarious stabs at death metal next time, I just really wanted to share this beautiful music with everybody.

REVIEW: RATS

Rats are adorable. When they reach a large enough size we call them cats. Cats have nipples.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy Legendary Golden Big Sword! I was unaware that rats and cats were of the same origin!" That's because technically cats are called catrats (say: kuh-trats) and you don't know how to use Google.

But in the name of Dexterity, I shall prove it to you. When observing both rats and catrats closely under a magnifying glass, you'll see that they are composed of:

• 3% Keratin
• 9% Fur
• 87% Rubber
• 1% Alcohol

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Stamina! The above percentages all contain unique digits!" This is true. Furthermore, if you add all the digits up and then subtract the number of digits being added, you get 23. Further still, this means you can get drunk if you eat enough cats (probably at least 23). Also, if you add up all the digits and then add the number of digits being added, you get 33, which is also a pretty cool number.

CATS AND SLEEP

Do not ever sleep with a cat. It will walk all over you while you are sleeping, stepping on various pressure points and your neck/face. After it's done trampling you, it will curl up in a ball on your balls, causing you to wake up with a severe case of numb-ball (this hurts a lot), perhaps in the middle of the night. (Unless you are female, in which case it may slide slightly into your vagina.)

And now for some Cat Fun Facts, or. . .

CUN FAX

• Cats do not understand the act of pointing. They will always look at your hand, which is hilarious. Test this and laugh! (Alternatively, declare: "Strength!")
• Cats spend 30% of their waking hours grooming themselves. That's almost as much time as your girlfriend spends!
• If you see your cat's legs twitching, that means it's dreaming of kicking the shit out of you for throwing your cum-sock on it.
• Intelligence.

A stylish new leash for your kitty

BIOGRAPHY: Ray Charles Adventures Pt. 1

Ray Charles

White Devil: The Ray Charles Adventures

The Autobiography of Ray Charles

Part 1

Ray Charles Stepped out of his time machine, gazing upon the glowing white forests of Antarus 9 with the eyes that the future had given him. They were alternating colors of green and red, and they rotated to let in different amounts of light, like the lens of a camera. They could only see in black and white. Also, they were way too small for his eye sockets, so they just kind of rested in the bottom of the fleshy cavities.

"So this is the land of King Grananathlphumpts?" he asked himself in a manner that might have resembled a small killer whale in the shape of a mouse, "yes it must be!" he answered to himself.

"Only this evil king, notorious for his racist tendencies, could unite such a beautiful people into a world of love and of eternal peace!"

"And also have mastered the art of Tae Kwon Do!"

"Oh, I didn't see you there, Dialogue Partner!"

"That, my friend, is, of course, because, of course, I am invisible to the naked eye! Which, of course, means that you, of course, cannot see me!"

"Oh yes, I remember that now. I better put on my magic see-invisibility glasses if I want to see you, while you are invisible, often!"

Ray Charles put on his magic glasses. They were bright pink, and had been decorated with colorful feathers by a class of middle schoolers. The decorations weren't glued on very well, so you could see the dots where they attached them to the frame. He could now see his friend, Dialogue Partner!

"Now that you can see me, you can tell that my outfit consists of many large beads, strung together into some form of decorative chainmail!"

"You're right," said Ray Charles, "I didn't notice that before, or anything."

"I knew you'd notice it once you could see me!"

"Thanks!"

"You are very welcome!" they both said at the same time.

Then they both said something else at the same time. It was:

"Look! There's something bad about to happen!"

And then something bad happened.

Very bad.

And very happenin'.

The Importance of Reading

Reading makes the world go round. Reading has the power to build nations and destroy cities. What makes us human? The ability to read. But can all humans read? No. (I will explain this phenomenon later in the context of racism) Reading has the power to take you places you’ve never imagined and never wanted to go.

If you can’t read, go learn how. The more you read, the more you know. Learn to read books. Learn to read poems. Learn to read nutrition labels. Learn to read binary code. Learn to read minds. Think of it this way. Reading is like eating. There’s a whole world full of food out there for you to eat, so don’t discriminate. Indulge yourself. Become obese with knowledge. Find your favorite dishes and eat them every night. As a citizen of the human race, you’re standing in the midst of an extensive potluck feast. So tonight for dinner, instead of eating, try reading.

There has never been a better time in the history of the world to start reading than now. It’s easier than cooking and better than drugs. Not everyone reads on the same level, so it’s important to pick the literature that’s right for you. If you feel challenged by big words and punctuation, don’t be discouraged. Try reading something easier like billboards, magazines, or catalogues. Don’t give up. Reading is a useful tool. Reading will grant you power over the culturally inferior. Recite your favorite sonnet to your love interest to put them on their knees. Read a Bible verse to an ethnic minority to save their soul. You can have the power. Simply pick up a book and read it.

FAQ

Is reading fun?

Reading can be fun. It can also be terrifying. Reading is as enjoyable or gruesome as you make it.

Is reading dangerous for children?

It depends. For many children, reading can be a traumatizing experience. With the power to destroy young minds, parental discretion is advised when teaching kids to read. Until the age of ten, I was lost without reading. Then I found how rewarding of an experience it can be.

Can black people read?

No. This is a common misconception. In addition to using jive talk and a collection of click dialects, black people commonly convey their thoughts with one another via the Retinal Authorization Process, or R.A.P. Nowadays a few white people use R.A.P., but this rudimentary form of communication is best left to the nappy-haired and socially unruly.

TIME2MOSH: Suffocation

This is the next installation of my critically acclaimed series of columns spotlighting the most punishing mosh riffs in existence, entitled TIME2MOSH. You may not always agree with my definition of a mosh riff, but you will probably ALWAYS agree that the riffs I pick are pretty gosh darn mighty.

Last time I spotlighted just a couple of the many thrash metal mosh riffs by the band Slayer. That was a good place to start, since they pretty much started the whole moshing deal-i-o, but honestly, they kind of suck at it.

In my eyes, there are two metal genres that really bring forth the mosh, and they are reviled by pretty much everyone on the internet, other than some guy:

Slamming Brutal Death Metal

and

Deathcore

These genres have BREAKDOWNS(!!!), which are half time chugging riffs in the middle of a song inteded for the sole purpose of CRUSHING PITT RIFFMENT(!!!). They go about breakdowns slightly differently, but the idea is generally the same:

1. Wear Baseball Caps

2. CRUSHING PITT RIFFMENT!!!

You can usually tell the genres apart because SLAM logos have a corny photoshop 3D effect on them, and are always in a single bad looking color, while -CORE logos look like they had a professional graphic designer and a record label, but not one that REALLY knew what they were doing, so like one of the letters will look bad or asymetrical or something.

The band that started both of these genres had nothing to do with baseball caps, or corny photoshop effects, but still had the pitt riffment that makes them great.

I am, of course, talking about the almighty Suffocation!

That's right. No caps.

I have recently started going by the mantra 'you can only make your first album once', because I see so many horrible freshman releases by new bands and stuff, and I think Suffocation really had this in mind when they made theirs. Effigy of the Forgotten. (I don't count the album before it, Human Waste, because it's gosh darn terrible!) Effigy of the Forgotten is full of some of the sickest, most crushing, crushing pitt riffment ever. Take for example this song:

I'm not even going to tell you where to mosh, cause if you can't hear it, you should probably just kill yourself or something.

After that they had like two albums where they tried to be complicated or proggy or something, and I don't like them, even though everyone else does.

That's cool though because a couple of years ago they released a monster called Blood Oath, and it goes back to the Crushing Riffment no problemo!!!

CRUSHING PITT RIFFMENT AT 2:29, ANYONE???

So that's basically Suffocation. If you know anything about music, you can see how they pretty much influenced every band int he past 20 years with their massive riffment. They're pretty much just like The Rolling Stones, if The Rolling Stones had guitars tuned to B-flat, half-time chugging grooves, sick guttural vocals, arbitrary blastbeats, and atonal riffage.

Next Time: Next time will probably happen a few more times from now than this time happened from last time, but that was just because I was just so excited about the pittage! Next time I'll probably talk about either Devourment or Internal Bleeding, depending on my mood. Colorful band names await! Off to the skies, Superman!!!

TIME2MOSH: Slayer

This is the first post in my new series TIME2MOSH, where I will pick a band/mosh riff I like and talk about how much I like them. Keep in mind that moshworthy riffage is very subjective, and you won't always agree with my definition of what a mosh riff exactly is, but you'll probably ALWAYS agree that the riff twin-guitar-attackages that I pick are pretty gosh darn mighty.

Pictured: SLAYER

Slayer was the natural first choice for a column entitled TIME2MOSH because, as we all know, before Slayer there wasn't really any such thing as moshing. Have you ever heard of slamdancing at a Led Zeppelin concert? Thought not.

I had to think for a while about what riffs I should include, because they have SO MANY GREAT ONES!!!

The first riff I picked it midway through Raining Blood, and it slows the galloping propellant rhythm down to a half-time crawl. We now know this as a breakdown. That makes this the first breakdown, meaning it effectively started a few new metal subgenres with a single riff! (See video below)

Mosh at approx 2:10!

This is a really boring mosh riff, but I give it a pass because it's like, the first one ever. Slayer had a really great thing going for them. I feel like up until the mid-nineties they had this really menacing vibe that no other band possessed except maybe like Morbid Angel or something.

Riffage number two comes from a different album altogether: Seasons In The Abyss. I could probably write a whole post on how much of a moshfest that album is, but especially this song. This song.

This song.

War Ensemble!

Tom Araya talks about killing people and other things of a violent nature in this song, so you know it has to have a great mosh riff. Actually the whole song is just a mosh riff. Literally, pick out any 5 second sample and it will have you moshing. My favorite riff comes partway through the song after a ludicrous drum fill courtesy of a Dave Lombardo.

Mosh at 2:20!!!

This riff actually sounds angry and mean, which is something that all of the metal releases of the past 20 years seem to lack. Regardless, many bands jumped onto the moshtrain, and in the decades to come we would be presented with some truly terrifying moshage. I just picked Slayer for this first post so people could start to see the evolution of the mosh or something like that.

Next week we'll continue our exploration of total mosh fury with a band who I think started the modern breakdown template that most ____-core bands follow today, and pulls it off to a much greater effect:

SUFFOCATION!!!

Picture a cow nose.

Go on, picture it.

That's funny, you can't picture a cow nose! Why? Because 20% of people haven't actually ever seen a cow or don't know what it is. It's also because another 70% of people rarely see real cows (the remaining 10% of people are cows).

You might have a general idea of what a cow nose looks like, but 90 percents say you don't know exactly what a cow nose looks like.

That's because it looks like this:

Now if you just said "That's exactly how I pictured it!" then I know for sure that you don't know what a cow nose looks like. Why? Because that is a picture of a dead turtle.  Poor turtle; he was handsome, with his mustache and all.

Take a minute of silence for him if you need to.

We loved him.  And he loved us!  Boy, did he love us.  He never failed to be there when we were down, and he never looked down on us when we failed our English classes because of those pointless essays.  As our backs got longer and his back got harder we would sit in the fields and reminisce about the days when we had shorter and softer backs (respectively).

As it turns out, his back was getting longer, too.  But a back just can't get longer and harder at the same time you know.  And that's why he died.

R.I.P.

Kirk Turtle

This is known as Harder-Longer Back Syndrome.  It has been devastating (even killing) most turtles and even one small Russian child (we have no idea why).

How do you avoid HLBS?  The easiest way, of course, is to not have a back. But assuming you're not a slug, bird, or ex-president, the first thing you're going to want to do is purchase the shiniest cape you can find.  Not only will this make you look stunning at any event, it will protect your feeble back, preventing it from being harmed, which will in turn prevent it from becoming any harder or longer (a further explanation of this can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dura_mater).

QUICK: Tomorrow

Just a quick heads-up: tomorrow is mustache day! Oops, it's already tomorrow!

Sorry, please try again next mustache day.

Seriously

We are done.

Go away.

No More Blogging

It's stupid. We've all agreed to stop this nonsense and shut down the site ASAP. Thanks for reading! It was good while it lasted. (That's what she said!)

LITERATURE: Counting

One soap, two soaps, three soaps, four;

I found a soap on the step of my door.

Five soaps, six soaps, seven soaps, eight;

I don't eat a meal without a soap on my plate.

Nine soaps, ten soaps, eleven soaps, twelve;

I store all the soaps that I find on the shelve.

Thirteen soaps, fourteen soaps, fifteen soaps, sixteen;

Those numbers have too many syllables, and that's way too much soap (1 + 2 + 3 + 4 + 5 + 6 + 7 + 8 + 9 + 10 + 11 + 12 + 13 + 14 + 15 + 16 = 136 soaps!)!

Written on the Floor at Three in the Morning

You want to sleep but you can't. You want to throw up but you can't.

You need to know things work they way you thought they did. You need to see something familiar.

But you have been wounded. Destroyed. You need to let it out; satisfy and transcend it, but there's no one you can destroy without repercussions and nothing you can destroy that you can easily replace. You can't wound any of your own things because you need them and can't afford to. So you wound yourself because you know you'll heal.

Blood slowly creates a disruption of cleanliness, sanity, color, perfection; surely flows regardless of pretense.

Crumpled in garbage and forgotten things, you watch as it dries on the floor, dries on your skin.

How can anything possibly matter?

Next week's article on cow noses!

REVIEW: Rebecca Black

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk

Listen to the audio review here.

REVUE: A Universe of Bizarre Complexities, Part 1...

A Universe of Bizarre Complexities:

A Science Fiction Opera by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk and Isabel Catherine Gattis-Van Dyk, Md.

Part 1

Returning home from a long voyage, the ship finds its way into the docks. They welcome it. Caress it. Feed the ship as it slowly shifts from one location in deep space to the center of a cool bay. The ship uttered a cool air of assonance. Between docks, the ship melts inward into an astral sea, and subsequently shifts back onto fueling docks. The hoses feed into it from every direction, fuel streaking inward in a rainbow array.

A passage extends from the landing dock. A hand reaches out. A man in a white cloak, with bright red boots and bright red gloves, grips the hand.

"My name is Azorsechles!" said the man in white.

A voice from the other side answered:

"Why have you come to this planet?"

"I have come here bearing many riches," said the man, "carpets from the bazhaars on Minas Trillith, the spectacles of the great Beholder at the temple of Aggrillicles, and more!"

"Is that so?", said the sun trader, as he fanned out his own collection of wares to the interstellar salesman.

"Surely you have nothing of equal worth," prodded Azorsechles, "for I am not interested in designs so utterly... planetary."

"That is assuming that the goods you bring hold any meaning to anyone but yourself," responded the port trader to the subtle query, "for I have never heard of this temple of Aggrillicles."

"Perhaps I should find another planet. You don't seem to be receptive to such treasures. An unsophistocated bunch, I presume?"

"Simply searching for a smaller price. What you call riches I see as trinkets. It may be best if you return to the space from which you came, Azorsechles."

"And I shall do so."

Another trader has seen through my lies, thought the white caped man as he lounged in the ship. An illusion of wealth. A small debris-collector, masked as an elaborate palace. He was not nearly as well off as he once was. The planetary traders seemed to have become savvy to his ways. Lies had become commonplace in this galaxy. Perhaps it was time he moved to a new one. Perhaps it was time that he moved to a galaxy without lies, where he could twist his words upon ignorant ears. They would cherish his product. His old rug. His broken glasses.

Yes, it had been a long time since he had seen new space. He would need a new ship. One that could navigate the darkest reaches of hyperspace, and cut through the great solar waves. This ship would have to be a masterpiece. He might have to pull off one more lie to acquire it. Where would he find such a ship? He knew of a place. A place he remembered from long ago. From before he was a peddler of lies.

That would be where he would go. The starfleet factories on Earth. A human planet. A planet on which he had many friends. Many disgruntled friends.

To be continued...

Why You're Doing it Wrong and How to Do it Right

You're an idiot. There's no question about that.

Another idiot

Lets face it: Your life is in shambles and your life's dreams run and hide from your ugliness. It wasn't always like this though. You used to have a large castle, an army of beautiful maidens, and an enormous city-state populated entirely with super-intelligent horses. What happened to the good ol' days? Why did everything fall apart? There's actually a simple answer here: You're doing it wrong. Below, I will dissect the problem, then ressurect some answers.

What You Think This Is

Survey says your life was guided up to a certain point. Everything was done for you and you were conditioned to obey, respect authority, and stay in school. Once twelve years of indoctrinization were up you did what you were told and went back to school (cleverly disguised as 'college') for 2 - 16 more years.

When you graduated they called you "Patriarch Johnson / Smith" and you recieved a cool hat that your cat might like to wear and play with simultaneously. Now you could finally become the Most Respectable Entertainment Engineer like you've always dreamed, manufacturing the bounciest rubber balls and cubes that would captivate the world, and everyone would call you "Good ol' Ptr. Johnson / Smith."

EXCEPT THAT LAST PART NEVER HAPPENED. Why?

I'll bet you can guess who the real Patriarch Johnson is

Patriarch Smith

What This Really Is

To everyone else, you are literally some random guy. They don't look at you so try not to look at them. To yourself, you seem to be alive on some planet where suddenly some very specific things are possible. Also, there are a lot of other people that will bother you.

Like her

You will be pushed around. You will be cut. You might even lose an entire layer of skin. This will not be easy. Your clothes will get wet, your blood will stain the carpet, and your baby will be stolen.

It might look like this

WHAT TO DO

• Take a nice sharp pencil and write neatly on a fresh piece of paper. Don't mess up though.
• Watch someone type something on a blank document. Make sure they don't mess up though; you won't want to see that.
• Take a bite out of the top of a mushroom.
• Put two or three (three is better) shrimp together and bite them in half.
• Win Tic-Tac-Toe (Only play as O though).
• Drink ice cold water (without ice) after coming in from a hot day.
• Drink fresh soda with lots of ice (preferrably small cubes) from a styrofoam cup.
• Disturb Patriarch Smith

It's funny

Serious business

REVIEW: Time

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk

Stephen Hawking

A Lengthy Review of Time

Time is long.

Very long.

It extends in both directions: backwards and forwards.

So far we've only learned how to travel through time forwards at a set rate, though you can trick yourself into thinking you've traveled to a different time by placing a box on your head for the interval of time that you want to travel through.

Some people think that time extends infinitely in both directions. Some people think time had a beginning, and will have an end. Some people think time and space are one in the same. Some people think god made time. Some people think that time only exists because we are perceiving it.

Stephen Hawking

When Did Time Start?

Personally, I think time started with the invention of the clock.

Before there was such thing as a clock, no one was ever able to tell what time it was, so there was no way to be aware of a passing of time. If we don't think about the fact that time is passing, then it is impossible to even formulate the concept of time.

Why Time?

Why, you might ask, would anyone invent a clock if time had not yet been formulated as a concept?

The answer is that it was very confusing for people to keep track of their arrangements by the exact position of the sun, and often hurt their eyes by staring at it while trying to figure out its position in relation to the earth. To solve this, an inventor made up the clock. This was brilliant, because now people could see where the sun was on a device instead of hurting their eyes by staring at it.

Stephen Hawking

And that's why today, we have time.

Time Travel?

You might be wondering: can we go back in time by turning a clock backwards?

The answer is: maybe.

We just don't know. No one has tried it yet.

Barack Obama

Final Rating

Time is a useful idea, and I give it a 7.8 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Sources:

Time.com

Wikipedia.org

Google.com

P.S. If you would like to request my next topic, shoot a piece of electronic mail to murdercorpsethrash@gmail.com

REVIEW: Animals

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk

A Precious Baby Fox With A Doe

It's no secret that I dislike animals.

That being said, I have decided to set my emotions aside and write an unbiased review on the topic.

Animals have many pros and cons. To clarify, I will list them.

The Pros of Animals

1. Animals are very versatile.
   They come in all different shapes and colors; all different sizes and genders. Some animals have feathers; some animals have scales; and some lucky animals even have skin. Skin. Like humans.
2. You can eat them.
   In my opinion, the best kind of animals are the kind that you can eat without developing an emotional attachment to them. e.g. fish meat, cow meat, chicken meat, pig meat, bear meat, snake meat, shark meat, crustacean meat, etc.
3. You can train them to fight each other.
   Many animals are naturally vicious killing machines.
   For example: dogs.
   They love the smell of fresh blood, and would do anything to rend themselves a nice slab of cannibalistic meat from one of their animal 'friends'.
   Have you ever seen a golden retriever take down a pit bull in one fell swoop? Neither have I, and that's why I train golden retrievers.
   Also, animals can only learn 4 moves, so make sure you teach them the best moves you possibly can.
4. You can collect them.
   There are only 150 different animal species (151 if you count adaptive screenplays) in the animal kingdom. Some esteemed professors believe that if you can collect all of the animals that exist, then you will be a master of animals.

It Is No Secret That The Tiger Is Man's Best Friend

The Cons of Animals

1. Animals are dirty. Almost all animals practice some form of defecation. Defecation is disgusting. Unlike humans, who defecate in toilets, animals tend to defecate right on the ground. Gross. Also, sometimes they pee on the floor without the permission of their human masters. In this dire situation, it may be necessary to scold them, and take away some of their simple comforts, such as the ability to go outside, or the ability to eat.
2. Animals can rebel against their human masters.
   Have you ever seen the movie Animal Farm?
   Well if not, then you should. It documents the uprising of many farm animals against their cruel owner, and how they live happily ever after, forever.
   If this happened in the United States today, it would cripple the world economy, and lead to massive and widespread chaos.
3. Animals are unpredictable.
   How many legs does the average animal have?
   The answer is 5.
   With such a large variety of different creatures on the planet, we don't have a set template that we can refer to when we want to predict the appearance or actions of the next random animal we encounter. This means that we have to read books to learn about them, which is a long and complicated process.

A Misbehaving Animal

Animal Prisons

When animals commit crimes, they go to animal jail. It is a horrible place, and you never want to go there.

Final Rating

On a scale of 1 to 10, animals get a surprisingly high 3.781.

Sources:

Animals.com

Google.com/Animals

P.S. If you would like to request a topic for me to review, please send your query to murdercorpsethrash@gmail.com

REVIEW: Imagination

Imagine you're in a large grassy field alone on a beautiful sunny cloudless day of reckoning. You wish there were some clouds to give you a sense of space and when you should eat lunch. But the clouds have long since fled. They are gone and won't return your calls anymore.

Distractingly, you notice a sandwich on your left. You can't tell what's inside so you reflexively take a bite out of your thumb. You don't remember which thumb it was. Please hang up and try again.

REVIEW: Intelligent Design

"Don't die. Don't die."
- Minnesota

Your mom probably believes in God. And so do I.

REVIEW: The Book Review

A Critical Evaluation by Theodore Spencer Van Dyk

A Diagram of Small Books

Books.

Books.

Books.

How many books have we read in our collective lifetimes?

100?

500?

Maybe even 1000, or 2000.

Books are an essential part of being a human being. We can learn things from books. Books can entertain us. Books can even make us feel better when we're feeling down.

But this makes us wonder, are books sentient?

The simple answer: yes.

But there's more to it than just yes.

Reading a book in the cold can be a spine chilling experience.

Inversely, reading a book in nature can make you feel like you're right at home.

Typically a book features many pages, which are numbered consecutively, and features informative or entertaining sequences of words that cover many topics, including but not limited to:

Dragons and Dragon Riding

Government

Charles Darwin

The Magician's Alliance, and the rules and regulations involved with retaining a membership to aforementioned alliance

The Game of Chess

Laser Weaponry

Spaceships

Books, if covered with sugar, usually make great homes for small or large colonies of bacteria.

Also, you can lick the sugar off of the book for a pleasant and sweet surprise. Books love being touched, and they give off a sour aroma when wet.

Approach books with caution when you have an intention towards licking them, because you might get sick.

Books don't have periods, so they don't need to use feminine products. If you are a female, you can learn how to use feminine products if you use a certain type of book, called a manual.

A manual is an interesting type of book because it usually comes with the product that, regarding the product, it is informative. About.

That's pretty much all you need to know about books.

I once wrote a book.

You can purchase it on www.westborobaptistchurch.com

It's called the bible.

REVIEW: Bruce Lee

"America? What's that?"
- Bruce Lee

REVIEW: Romance

Recent* studies** have shown that Jarrel Hi-Fi***'s latest radio hit, "When You Look Me in the Eye (Every Time I Close My Eyes)", is the most romantic song since "You, and Me, Tonight, In the Water" by Forever Kennedy. When we asked Jarrel exactly what inspired him to create such a masterpiece, he layed out a rather nostalgic story involving an incident with his wife.

"I can't even begin to tell you how devastated I was when I heard what happened, so I'll just cut to the bush." He said.

Then he proceeded to tell us about how he arrived at the hospital just in time to see the surgeons slicing through his wife's eyelids. It turns out she had had had an accident at the dentist leaving her eyes sealed shut. Jarrel began to protest the extreme medical measures but knew it was meant to be when the scalpel revealed Mrs. Hi-Fi's loving gaze penetrating through her bleeding severed eyelids. She would be ok, needing only to refresh her eyeballs with three splashes of luke warm water every couple of seconds for as long as she wanted to use them. The operation was promptly completed and the two lovers embraced thoroughly.

"I didn't even know what was going on until I realized what was going on," Hi-Fi revealed, "And then I looked my wife in the eye, and even though her eyes were closed . . . I could still see them, and they could still see me. It was really a reassuring experience."

That being said, don't touch that adress bar: next week's review will be on cat abrasions!

* Yesterday.

** Studies concieved and carried out solely by Michael Gall-Award (Author of "Feet" and "Eat").

*** Not actually his last name; this is his stage last name.

Special thanks goes to Richard Gallardo for solidifying my details.