Why You're Doing it Wrong and How to Do it Right

You're an idiot. There's no question about that.

Another idiot

Lets face it: Your life is in shambles and your life's dreams run and hide from your ugliness. It wasn't always like this though. You used to have a large castle, an army of beautiful maidens, and an enormous city-state populated entirely with super-intelligent horses. What happened to the good ol' days? Why did everything fall apart? There's actually a simple answer here: You're doing it wrong. Below, I will dissect the problem, then ressurect some answers.

What You Think This Is

Survey says your life was guided up to a certain point. Everything was done for you and you were conditioned to obey, respect authority, and stay in school. Once twelve years of indoctrinization were up you did what you were told and went back to school (cleverly disguised as 'college') for 2 - 16 more years.

When you graduated they called you "Patriarch Johnson / Smith" and you recieved a cool hat that your cat might like to wear and play with simultaneously. Now you could finally become the Most Respectable Entertainment Engineer like you've always dreamed, manufacturing the bounciest rubber balls and cubes that would captivate the world, and everyone would call you "Good ol' Ptr. Johnson / Smith."

EXCEPT THAT LAST PART NEVER HAPPENED. Why?

I'll bet you can guess who the real Patriarch Johnson is

Patriarch Smith

What This Really Is

To everyone else, you are literally some random guy. They don't look at you so try not to look at them. To yourself, you seem to be alive on some planet where suddenly some very specific things are possible. Also, there are a lot of other people that will bother you.

Like her

You will be pushed around. You will be cut. You might even lose an entire layer of skin. This will not be easy. Your clothes will get wet, your blood will stain the carpet, and your baby will be stolen.

It might look like this

WHAT TO DO

• Take a nice sharp pencil and write neatly on a fresh piece of paper. Don't mess up though.
• Watch someone type something on a blank document. Make sure they don't mess up though; you won't want to see that.
• Take a bite out of the top of a mushroom.
• Put two or three (three is better) shrimp together and bite them in half.
• Win Tic-Tac-Toe (Only play as O though).
• Drink ice cold water (without ice) after coming in from a hot day.
• Drink fresh soda with lots of ice (preferrably small cubes) from a styrofoam cup.
• Disturb Patriarch Smith

It's funny

Serious business