Picture a cow nose.

Go on, picture it.

That's funny, you can't picture a cow nose! Why? Because 20% of people haven't actually ever seen a cow or don't know what it is. It's also because another 70% of people rarely see real cows (the remaining 10% of people are cows).

You might have a general idea of what a cow nose looks like, but 90 percents say you don't know exactly what a cow nose looks like.

That's because it looks like this:

Now if you just said "That's exactly how I pictured it!" then I know for sure that you don't know what a cow nose looks like. Why? Because that is a picture of a dead turtle.  Poor turtle; he was handsome, with his mustache and all.

Take a minute of silence for him if you need to.

We loved him.  And he loved us!  Boy, did he love us.  He never failed to be there when we were down, and he never looked down on us when we failed our English classes because of those pointless essays.  As our backs got longer and his back got harder we would sit in the fields and reminisce about the days when we had shorter and softer backs (respectively).

As it turns out, his back was getting longer, too.  But a back just can't get longer and harder at the same time you know.  And that's why he died.

R.I.P.

Kirk Turtle

This is known as Harder-Longer Back Syndrome.  It has been devastating (even killing) most turtles and even one small Russian child (we have no idea why).

How do you avoid HLBS?  The easiest way, of course, is to not have a back. But assuming you're not a slug, bird, or ex-president, the first thing you're going to want to do is purchase the shiniest cape you can find.  Not only will this make you look stunning at any event, it will protect your feeble back, preventing it from being harmed, which will in turn prevent it from becoming any harder or longer (a further explanation of this can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dura_mater).